Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two types of people in this world, those who finish a joke and those that

   When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

   When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

   Tom Brady has over 600 touchdown passes in his career. Which works out to 420, when you adjust for inflation.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but hey they’re right up there.

   sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

   I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

   I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

   Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

   Growing up is realizing that talking doesn't scare the fish and that Grandpa just wanted you to shut the hell up.

   Not trying to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit in the same sized gloves I wore in high school...

   Either the leaves are changing colors or there was something in those brownies...

   If I subscribe to Amazon Prime, does that mean that I'm "in my prime" ?

   Not trusting the government does not make you a conspiracy theorist. It makes you a history buff.

   The best way to honor a poor soul who got shot by cops is to smash store windows to get your new Flat Screens and new iPhone 12's

   I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol.

   I saw a pigeon open its mouth without making a sound and realized I’d just witnessed a failed coo attempt.

   Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

   My relationship with my cat is like that of a married couple. Basically we fight a lot and never have sex.

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.