Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Tila Tequila says in interview that she's a hardcore conservative. It's no wonder why she thinks the earth is flat.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.

   DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]

   GOP SENATORS: Please stop asking us about treason so that we can work on a historically unpopular bill that will lead to thousands of deaths

   "Transparency" under current administration = getting caught

   Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.

   My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.

   Netflix and hide from adult responsibilities

   Today this hot girl said "enjoy your pizza" and I replied "you too" now I can't go back there

   How does a Trump supporter find his sister in the woods? Hot.

   Looks like the Apple doesn't fall far from the immature tree.