Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   How many times does you know that we only have certain things in because you are not doing only what he wanted for who did you think about the twelve sheep in my yard are eating the boots inside out they need.

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.

   Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...

   Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Just found out the my emotional support dog is a Hillary Clinton supporter how depressing :)

   Doctor: Sir, you will have to stop masterbating. Me: Why?? Dr: Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure.

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she's just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod..

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

   It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..

   I don't get it. The Bible is not allowed in public schools but is encouraged in prisons. Maybe if we allowed the Bible in schools there would be less people in prison. Ever think of that?