Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.

   I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren't as cute as donkeys.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player...

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

   Wonder if young Sheldon was attracted to little boys at that age?

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   I once tried snorting some coke. And I almost drowned my self.

   Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.

   If Missouri and Oregon became one state. It be known as the show me your beaver state.

   The body of a man was found in Pizza Hut this morning, covered in cheese, tomatoes, onions and peperami Police are working on the theory that he may have topped himself!!

   75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

   Two blondes were going to disneyland. When they came to a fork in the road . The sign read "disneyland left" so they went back home.

   4 out of 3 people struggle with math

   Now that Barry Manilow has announced his gender preference, his songs take on a whole new meaning.