Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   thinks that Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.

   Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   Q. How do Mooslims practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.

   I went to a Mooslim birthday party laDamn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   Did you hear about a guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep...it was an open casket funeral!

   Nothing makes me feel like a kid again quite like waking up in drool.

   If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates

   Treat every problem like a dog...piss on it and walk off!

   Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!