Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s not a thing you can do about it now.

   ANOTHER DAY has passed by and I still HAVEN’T USED a²+b²=c²

   We know your from Michigan because You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

   A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

   Please stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth.

   microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

   If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?

   Men, do not treat your woman like an object! It doesn't like that.

   Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.... I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from last Thanksgiving.

   BREAKING NEWS: Colts defeated the Raider’s last Sunday in Las Vegas but hold all tickets as Nevada has called for a recount of the score so game won’t be official for a couple weeks or so!

   BBL payment plan is crazy. Now you workin yo ass off to pay yo ass off.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like, I'm gonna start wishing it was summer.

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

   A man and woman in Idaho became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup too...... She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   Last night My wife and I had words but I never got to use mine.

   How can folks find time to protest and work a job too? Oh yeah, Welfare.

   The Mets are moving the fences in to increase home runs they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?"