Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The coffee shop had a sign that said: “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1973!” So, I paid 10 cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.

   For $100 I’ll come over and pretend I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, when you have unwanted company at your house.

   Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks

   I’m looking for someone to brush their teeth with me every morning. My dentist says brushing alone won’t prevent cavities.

   Welcome to your 60’s, you can no longer outrun Mall Security.

   The tariffs don’t really affect me, as I spend most of my days at the park throwing wood chips at people

   Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture

   Got pulled over by the cops last night & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'

   All 4 times in history, that The Dow dropped more than 2,000 points, and the 8 times that Dow dropped most on single days, was under him. This is better than sports lol

   Oh come on now. That pillowcase one was hilarious. You miserable, chinless cucks need to cheer up! 🤣

   Hundreds of thousands of people will protest tomorrow in 1,100 cities in all 50 states. Can't wait to watch from the comfort and safety of our awesome country 🥳

   The sleepy, old guy saw nine straight quarters of record stock gains and job growth. The smartest businessman in the world fvcked it all up in eight weeks.

   Question - is being a sexual deviant, pervert and a criminal a REQUIREMENT for joining M^GA? Look up Jonathan Braun. Yet another one of DT's buddies whose sentence he commuted, who has been rearrested for numerous assaults and crimes against children.

   That should keep ya'll busy for the weekend.

   SO many M^GA guys have beards. To hide that weak-assed jawless slope of a chin. Must take them 20 minutes to put on a f*cking pillow case 😂

   Many M^GA women are extremley flexible. This is true. They have to be, considering most M^G^ guys have trouble gettting it up. So she needs to do be able to do handstands against the wall so they can at least drop it in.

   Then of course there's the jury of HIS peers, finding him liable for sexually abusing advice columnist E. Jean Carroll in 1996. Can't forget about that one. Then of course, there's him being the worst "president" in the history of the United States....

   Since the 1970s, at least 26 women have publicly accused him of r*pe, kissing, and groping without consent; looking under women's skirts; and walking in on naked teenage pageant contestants. Then of course, there's 13 year old Katie Johnson.....

   We're all gonna need lower mortgages seeing as our 401k's just became a 201k's.

   Mortgage rates are dropping. Thanks, President T.