Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?

   When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.

   My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"

   I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...

   I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.

   So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.

   We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George Bu.sh.

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.