Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

   Rapey McForehead gave Trump one vote for Speaker of the House. Trump called the clerk and said, "I just need you to find me 217 more votes."

   It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Joe B is an example.

   94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

   My plants got a fungus from that STD florist

   My church serves noodles at Communion. we're Ramen Catholics

   Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

   When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

   Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

   Bills are like hominy; better when you don't have any on your plate.

   Went for a check-up this morning, everything was normal, except the doctor began to put his glove on and add lube....... I need to get a new dentist.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   Question, Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.