Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m drinking coffee right now because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka on a Saturday morning.

   Please punch in your account number, phone number and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again

   Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder.

   waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

   I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

   My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

   It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

   My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till I turn 90 to get my first one

   If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

   Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   You take the blue pill, the election ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you dispute the fraud and I show you how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.