Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   Elon Musk fired 8000 employees and Twitter is working just fine. Makes you wonder what they were doing all day long.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Man injured in a bizarre peek- a- boo accident...He's in ICU.

   Too old for SnapChat. Too young for Life Alert.