Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ?

   odd that R. Kelly has a 19 minutes song ... usually he doesnt likes it over 18 ...

   I went to view a house on a Native American reservation! "I like it" I said "Does it come with running water?" "Go to Hell Paleface" He replied.."Get your own wife!"

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

   Trump Anxiety Disorder covered by Obamacare?

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   I could probably sleep my way to the top....if sleeping actually had anything to do with it that is to say.

   Amendment to the 2nd. The right of the people to keep and bear plastic straws shall not be infringed. You can’t shoot paper through paper.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   Can my plus one to a wedding be a dog?

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.