Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

   Friends are like boobs: some are real, and some are fake.

   Thank you, warning label. I almost used my toaster in the shower this morning.

   It hurts when you start to unfriend someone and find out that they’ve already beaten you to it.

   T.G.I.A. ~ Thank goodness I’m awesome!

   A big shout-out to ATM fees, for making me buy my own money.

   Back in 5 minutes ~ if not, read this again.

   You can’t be late until you show up.

   Time is precious, waste it wisely.

   Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

   Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location, my goodness.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.