Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher?

   I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow the hell down!

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   Who's the 👎 kweer?

   Who's the faigg with no life?

   The Olympics should have a separate boxing event for transgenders. They can hop in the ring and trade "blows."

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   I like the Old Normal better than the New Normal.

   The problem isn't the puppet or the puppeteer. It's the imbeciles in the audience screaming for an encore.

   It's a good thing farting isn't contagious like yawning is.

   Okay, so is Simone Biles done showing us her snatch? Can we please get to the Track & Field competitions now?

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can't remember my password. FML.

   Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

   I identify as Non-Bidenary.

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.