Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* so sorry

   Your face makes onions cry.

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.