Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bats are just Halloween butterflies. That's all.

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   "She doesn't pick the popular Pennsylvania governor. She doesn't pick the astronaut. Instead, she picks the Geo. Phloyd riot guy"

   When I was younger, Freddie Krueger was so freakin' scary. But he doesn't even come close to Dunning-Kruger.

   Flooding in the Carolinas is God's wrath on New York/New Jersey transplants for thinking they can assimilate with hillbillies.

   My friend runs a camping shop,and between December and February he has a sale,so I made him a banner for the front of his shop, it reads "now is the winter of our discount tents"

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   I’ve been on Facebook forever! I remember when we had to plow our fields in FarmVille by hand—virtually, of course!

   Back in my day, we didn’t scroll—we farmed! I remember when this was all FarmVille.

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main course mam? Me: ok, but no tongue

   I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   Today's tip of the Day: If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   got thrown out of a casino last night. apparently I must have completely misunderstood the crap table!

   The U.S air force has Cobra helicopters, Canada's air force has Cobra Chickens

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be in my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   I went to the doctor thinking I might have arthritis, I don't. Turns out I have early onset rigor mortis.

   Kamala Harris quote: "Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? Can you raise your hand if you love a yellow school bus? Many of us went to school on a yellow school bus, right? I remember them now, all yellow and everything."