Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What came first, Chickens who lay small eggs? Or dishonest egg packaging companies who put small eggs in cartons marked large?

   Working in my DBT workbook that I got from my mental health coach has made me realize how much I truly struggle with my bipolar outburst.. I'm working on it! All I ever want is to be a better me. The work hasn't been easy but now I'm glad I can take a ste

   I should know better never to drink coffee after midnight as it just turns me into a real night owl whoo can't sleep.

   I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do... It's because I missed my exit.

   If no one told you that you're beautiful today well I'm not about to start. Move on.

   For everyone out there struggling with self-worth, just know that there are people out there that care. It sure as hell isn't me, but someone does.

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   Around this time in 2020 we couldn't find toilet paper. Now we can't afford it.

   If I am ever at death's door I am leaving a flaming bag of poop on his front steps

   I can't dance to save my life, but when I step in dog crap, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.

   Imagine that. Flag Day just happens to be in the middle of Fagg Month.

   It's ironic that the two O's in 'cooperate' insisted on having their own separate sounds.

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   If we're going to have a whole month dedicated to one of the Seven Deadly Sins, I would rather it be Gluttony.

   My doctor needed a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   I'm not the best chess player who ever lived, but some people don't even know how to move a pawn. It's pretty straightforward.

   I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening... and then have to start all over again.

   Our parents invented fondue parties, which was just inviting your friends over to eat cheese-and I can't express how disappointed I am in us that we let that tradition slip by.

   Don't block all of your haters. Leave one or two so they can report back to headquarters.

   If you say "Why does the military get a day but gay people get a month" only during june and not in January, February, March, April, May, July, August, September, October, November or December, you don'yt care about the military, you arre just homophobic