Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I'm ever abducted by a group of hostile aliens and they demand to see my leader; I think I'll show them my wife

   if I'm ever abducted by a group of hostile and they demand to meet my leader; I think I'll show them my wife

   logged in and saw you logged in.Then I logged off and logged in 2 hours again - you were still logged in.Get A Life!OK yeah I was logged in all this time too.(feel shame)

   changed his profile picture. Now he looks a little less ugly.

   showing his colleagues your profile and they're all laughing at your picture.

   forgot to stop the Q-tip when their was resistence

   happy that his Judgement Day is not Today

   would be high on Life, but she doesn't want to snort the milk.

   "when you listen to your Rice Krispies in reverse, you can hear the DEVIL telling you to steal Lucky's charms"

   making a sex tape and shooting up heroin with Miley Cyrus

   wondering if the I.R.S. will noticed she claimed A.I.G. and Obama's mother-in-law as dependents!

   Where is my balloon? I thought What ever goes up comes down!

   I would get your number but I already got it off the bathroom wall.

   angry,she caught Chlamydia from a bicycle seat

   not allowed to use metaphors anymore. It's like an applesauce sandwich trying to teabag a Yeti. Know what I mean?

   standing on his front lawn with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take his picture...

   getting into shape; and the shape I have chosen is 'Triangle'.

   went to Church the other day and when the plate came to him, he asked what it was for. The man said it was an Offering. So he took it.

   over white knights on horses... Bring on the vampire in the volvo!!!

   thinks it's pretty stupid that he can't remove his name from the status box here. I mean what kind of guy speaks of himself in third-person anyway? For real...