Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if Michael Jackson's Heart was telling the Defibrillator to just Beat It?

   Scientists have found a ground breaking, all natural way to cure insomnia. They call it church.

   loves it when you call me big pappa.

   decided to stop listenin to the voices in his head..

   does not want to be bothered today...just tell everyone I'm hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

   can no longer hula hoop. At least I can still blow bubbles. And to my sicker friends, don't ask who Bubbles is.

   wondering what chairs would look like if your knees bent the other way....

   Can't find Sesame Street on his GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?

   This is worse than divorce.. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife.!!!!

   I borrowed my friend a tenner yesterday. This morning I found pictures of myself on the frontpage of most national newspaper with the following headline 'UK's third biggest lender'!

   Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas... Except herpes, that will come back with you.

   MARRIED: STOP, ok, on my list of things to do in life, getting married is LAST, right after suicide!!!

   in a relationship with Kate Gosselin.

   going to pull a borat on megan fox

   considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

   wear his wife's eyeglasses because she wants him to see things her way

   wounders If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

   thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!

   the entrepreneur in me thinks I should be selling rocks in the streets of Iran.