Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if you can bring sexy back without a reciept.

   i haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year

   panicking who will keep an eye on Russia if Sarah Palin moves stateside?!

   Never really got OxiClean to work the way Billy Mays could....

   just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)

   wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could do 0 - 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday... So he bought her some bathroom scales

   that pirates are better than ninjas

   Knows what you did last summer... Thanks to good old Facebook

   thinks the fine people at Aleve are very wise indeed. For headaches, take two Aleve, and keep away from children.

   Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.

   If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

   waiting for MTV to check out my crib...

   the heart of a little boy....on a jar on my desk.

   was trying to live the "Sorority Life" in "Farmville", but got caught up in the "Mafia Wars" at "Farmtown".....now my "Farkle" is all "Bejeweled" up!!!!!...help!!!!!

   Marriage is Love, yet love is blind....Does that mean marriage is an institution for the blind???

   so good, I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

   believes a day spent wasted is never a wasted day!

   wants to be adopted by Madonna too

   stares at you when you're asleep.