Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   says a cannibal is someone who goes to a resturant and orders the waiter!!

   Trust me...Even if I gave a sh*t I wouldnt give it to you!

   typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'.

   Comes to earth when mars gets boring

   doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. Me... I want a fantastic right now!

   the real farther of Michael Jacksons children.

   if at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you!!!

   You know when you say "that thinga-ma-bob"? Does Bob say "that-thinga-ma-me" and when I'm talking to Bob should I say "that-things-ma-you"? In a proper setting is it "that-thinga-ma-Robert"? If 2 guys named Bob are together, do they say "that-thinga-ma-u

   I hate when I get Drunk and Bid on Ebay.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's ok cause they know me there.

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

   Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

   Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

   Figured I'm pretty smart--it took me all summer, but.. I found all the paw-prints, put them in my notebook, sat down in my thinking chair...& ... I just figured out Blue's Clues & what it's all about!

   we had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

   Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."