Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feels like pile-driving his whiny coworker thru a thick glass table bound with barbed wire into a pool of rubbing alcohol with rusty nails and then set it on fire and drink a beer...

   thinking women should come with a carfax

   "Welcome, you have no mail, but you have 200 spam messages from yours truly"

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   just gotten an email stating that I had won the Nigerian lottery! I just left the post office to send off my 1500 dollar processing fee and I'll be on a beach in the Bahama's in no time, SUCKAS!

   she is too tired to be clever for her status.

   Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

   reading a book on the history of glue. and can't put it down

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

   It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!!

   surprised how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police...

   just saw barbie sitting on pinnochio's face screamin "lie you damn puppet, lie!!"

   doesn't care if his neighbors see him walking around in his Spiderman boxers. It's Tuesday!

   knows you laugh at him because he's different. He laughs because you're all the same.

   feels like a Fruit Loop trapped in a box of Cheerios...

   anyone who says it's as easy as taking candy from a baby, has never tried taking candy from a baby!

   gotta feeling tonight's gonna be a good night.

   The neighbor's kids are named Titus and Judah. Either the couple is Greek, or they smoke ALOT of dope.