Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.

   Warning for all you weekend basketball league playing guys: Be leary of the guy who smacks you on the butt and says "Nice shot, man!" when you didn't even take a shot...

   will listen, if you'll talk about me...

   yesterday I said I was gonna FML...i did....but I forgot protection...now i'm screwed

   notices that its been so windy of late that even the water in his toilet was choppy!

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

   If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

   The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath!

   Thankful for Mr. Austin Nichols...... you taught me that some people have faith, some have a strong will, but I have your Wild Turkey to get me through.

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   I went to Jared..............and then punched him in the belly for those stupid commercials

   next time someone with bad breath steps to you repeat the following.. " I dont mean to be mean but you need some listerine, not a sip not a swallow but the whole Damn bottle"..

   just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts

   i would like hippes to realize that it is NOT "all good."

   caught the chills while peeing.......thank goodness my wife bought these decorative bath towels

   "The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles."

   performing random acts of kindness today to totally mess with people