Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear am going to climb my neighbours fence, steal his fu*king barking a*s dog, put it in my yard and see how he likes to be kept awake all night long.

   Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I'm bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please

   Wearin glasses does'nt mean ur smart, it jus means you cant see...

   Costco: Go hungry leave happy

   Two wrongs doesnt make a right...but three rights make a left.

   FOR SALE: straw house and stick house. Both in need of renovation. Apply brick house. No wolves.....

   wonders why does his wife insist on watching shows in standard def when we have the high def equivilent on our cable system?

   While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves. Cowel described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."

   The probability of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet.

   In the mcdonalds parking lot banging your girlfriend.

   the world may be falling apart around you, but as long as you're wearing Miley Cyrus merchandise you'll be alright.

   those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter

   So far this year, my hindsight is only 20/10.

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   if you replaced every time you read, wand, in a Harry Potter book, with the word Willy, the hilarity is immense.

   Mr. Howell's and Gingers' love child

   did you know racecar spelled backwards is racecar

   So here we are at the beginning of a new year. After spending this past week reflecting on 2009, I've discovered that I was right 98% of the time, so I'm not really concerned with the other 3% when I was mistaken

   ..thinks some people here have the mentality of a retarded turtle. But it's nice to see that monkeys can actually type these days. I knew that £2 a month I was donating towards the RSPCA would come to some good. Keyboard monkeys. Who'da thunk it?

   all of this sub-zero whether is putting a damper on my flag pole licking