Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if the Eagles play a concert at the stadium in Philadelphia, how do people know if they're going to a concert or a football game?

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   Unless you’re looking for self-inflicted emotional and/or physical impairment, you should perhaps not come to me seeking relationship advice or instructions on how to do a cartwheel.

   क्या कोई मुझे अजीब स्थिति संदेश वेबसाइट पर निर्देशित कर सकता है?

   هل يمكن لأي شخص أن يوجهني إلى موقع ويب مضحك لرسالة الحالة؟

   Podría alguien dirigirme a un sitio web divertido de mensajes de estado?

   Alguém poderia me direcionar para um site engraçado de mensagem de status?

   Quelqu'un pourrait-il me diriger vers un site Web amusant de messages d'état ?

   I'm currently in the process of getting my groove back. Please standby!

   There are so many candles on my birthday cake, the Girl Scouts are gonna show up, form a circle around it, and sing Kum Ba Yah.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever win out over the Yorkie.

   Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for the “after” photos.

   I set my phone to airplane mode. It just now tried to charge me 20 bucks for a bag of peanuts and a Sprite.

   Oh, you want a free college education? Please tell me how serious you took your free high school education.

   I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

   This would look ALOT better in the toilet” -toddlers

   ell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.. Life is too short!

   Now that "Cocaine Bear" has been a hit and they are working on "Meth Alligator." I can't wait for the next installment, "Marijuana Sloth." A 7 hour slow-paced movie about a vicious Bradypus with the munchies for murder.