Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

   There is still no cure for the common birthday

   wonders if you ever wished your life had a System Restore... or maybe even just a Back Button?

   read that during his press conference today, Tiger Woods will not be taking any questions or phone numbers.

   thinks that the term “Beauty mark” is just a euphemism for freaky, hairy mole!

   Hey Friday, um....you're cool and all but...I'm really into your friend Saturday. We have way more fun together. Sorry :(

   heard that results of a new study finds that two-thirds of Americans believe that torture is sometimes justified. Ahhh, so that helps explain why The Bachelor is still on the air.

   watched the Olympic snowboard competition last night. Woke up with a sore back.

   called your boyfriend gay and he hit me back with his purse

   Woman talk too much, the good ones, get paid well for it: OPRAH!

   Happy Birthday Eastenders! 25 years of bad acting and impossible storylines. And still we're hooked.

   For sale by owner complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

   If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of

   I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it

   If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

   ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet

   got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about

   ..is in negotations with Vancouver. They're desperate for snow and she's sick of it.

   People think I'm God... anywhere I go, they say "Oh God! You've come again..."

   loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.