Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Did not I Repeat I Did not sleep with that young intern I Was up all night

   Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

   I just balanced my checking account, and discovered that I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something or pay a bill.

   such an unthoughtful farmer that he wants to smash his neighbor's White Mystery Eggs and slaughter their Baby Calf if he can't get them off his News Feed.

   realized that beating the drums is the only thing you get applauded for, if you beat anything else your either weird... or abusive.

   You can cross my mind, run through it, play in it, bounce across it, dance in it. There is alot of room in there...

   i renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

   Thinks my OCD is getting worse. Did I hit post? Wait a minute , did I even type it yet? I'm pretty sure I hit post but am not sure. Yeah, I did. Well, maybe I didn't. I better double-check. Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. Dang!!! What was I going to post again

   loves Canada! They are like the upstairs neighbors that never get invited to the party DOWNSTAIRS!

   I hear there is a new facebook game coming out soon...it's called Getalifeville!!!

   Party tonight, bring booze or chicks. Seperate, or one already in the other. Your call...

   way to "own the podium" Canada. At last count you have what, only 1/2 the medals as the USA!

   thinks I just stepped in a bouquet of oopsei dasies.

   hasn't slept for ten days.........................................because that would be too long.

   Just put a down payment on my yellow submarine.

   now interactive on facebook. If you move your arrow keys on the keyboard it controlls my left ear. Have fun!

   my sushi brings all the japs to the yard, and there like "couneshiwah"

   thinks to err is human but to blame it on someone else... now that's supervisor material!

   ..sometimes at work, I like to stand behind one of the employees that has no sense of humor and wait till the owner comes by, then I start laughing out loud at their computer monitor as if they were looking at something funny online rather than working..

   What's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? A whale eating your trainer!