Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The spark of a genius exists in the brain of the truly creative man from the hour of his birth. True genius is always inborn and never cultivated, let alone learned

   has had enough depressing news about death (i.e. Cory Haim). How about some good news? Like congratulating Ted Kennedy! He's 198 days sober today!

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   "Ok, so we're both illiterate. I can't spell love and you can't read it."

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

   they always say there are more fish in the sea, they seem to forget about the crabs

   a really skilled person can flick a booger on the first try

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   Protip: when wearing a waterbra, DO NOT lift a heavy box of sheet metal. You'll either end up with a hefty lefty or a mighty righty, not to mention a gigantic wet spot.

   Eating all of the marshmellows out of someones Lucky Charms is the highest form of disrespect.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize that I should have been more specific.

   My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.

   doesn't have a girlfriend, but he does know a woman who'd be mad at him for saying that.

   wondering if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

   Today is hump day right? so how come I havent been humped today??

   thinking about taking up golf to cure his sex addiction...if it worked for Tiger...

   I think this new diet may be a little too strick. I actually look forward to paying bills because I get to lick the envelopes.

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

   says Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.