Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

   80's music is so 2002

   I Speak Fluent Sarcasm....

   just got the call that I'm going to be on national TV tomorrow night (Saturday). I haven't said anything about it because I didn't know when it was going to be on. Make sure you look for me at 8pm on Fox

   You know the chilli you had last night was good, when you have to wipe your a$$ with a snow cone!!!

   Spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks

   Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

   I want a Toyota even more than before. Now if you get pulled over you can blame the accelerator!

   "Before you leave the American Idol stage please sing a song and remind everyone why they didn't vote for you."

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   There's another Twilight coming out??? WTF, when will this f*cken torture end!!

   Women are like computers....... They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

   Thinks it would be completly acceptable to eat Taco Bell tacos today for lent because they don't contain REAL meat

   Damn it, we're men. It's our god-given right to watch sports and smut.

   A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

   I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!

   Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.

   A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

   Life is like a kernel of corn. You'll go through some $hit, only to come out clean in the end.

   Don't rush me. I'm waiting for the last minute.