Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   life's a b!tch, then you marry one.

   did you know that the following first letter of the months: july, august, sept, oct, and nov. it spells out "JASON" ?

   did you know that the word "bed" looks like a bed itself?

   I dont get when people say "I remember my first beer".... Cause I sure as hell dont..

   I can read minds... Youre reading my status right now arent you..

   There are no Puerto-Ricans on Star Trek...It appears they don't work in the future either........

   The jersey shore cast is dumber than a 5th grader..

   wonders who's bright idea it was to shut down facebook chat for maintenence -___-

   "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas...except herpes, that sh*t will come back with you"

   I'm out like Obama in 3 years. Nite all!

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

   Thinking about starting a new diet, it's called the "Sight Unseen Diet." If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

   Larry King's wife is accusing him of cheating on her. "Yeah, get in line," said Death.

   why kiss....when you can tell her lips a secret.

   this is the promised land." Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and bankrupted the promised land.

   Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Then about 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.... I could really use a wish right Now. B.O.B

   Tu pac's of Eminems are 50 cents, That's Ludacris! I want my Nickelback.

   A Middle Eastern man bought a lot of stuff off the internet but never received it. Unfortunately he was E-gypt.