Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   all for the paperless office, but doesn't think it should stretch to the toilets...

   wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

   MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice

   No man goes before his time....... Unless the boss leaves early...

   Everybody hates me because I'm so universally well-liked...

   oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....

   thinking that Jeffrey Dahmer is the only person whose bologna really did have a first name.....

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   has been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog...

   WOW! THATS A LOW PRICE!

   I'm no volcanologist but has anyone tried throwing in a few virgins?

   The good news is, we destroyed the Ring. The bad news is, we disrupted a hemisphere's worth of air travel and two dozen national economies... our badd...

   Some people's noses and feet are built backwards. Their feet smell and their noses run.

   Why Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOUR car!

   found out they sell Universal Remotes at Wal*Mart... I cant believe power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy!

   told the boss today that there was no W-F-A-Y I could do the job the way he wanted me to. He said, "But there's no 'F-in-way!!" I said, "Exactly!"

   used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me...

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   Reminder: Buy low and sell high... Unless it's Pot... Then you're buying and selling high...

   Stop everything you're doing... Think about me... You're welcome...