Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   What's another word for word?

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   Yes, I know the muffin man, Why who wants to know?

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   Tony is telling everybody to remember that there are two words that will open a lot of doors for you " Push and Pull"

   God takes care of drunks and babies...do you know how lucky that is for drunk babies?

   Everything in this world seems to be made for right handed people...it's so frustrating for someone like me who's underhanded.

   Alcoholism is a progressive degenerative disease, or in lamens terms, "the afteraffect of marriage."

   Fashion tip of the day: Girls...when your toes have to grip the end of your "open toed shoes" when you walk, its probably not a good idea to wear them!

   thinks that the reason I find FB so appealing is because it reassures me that I am not the only one that is not normal.