Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Then you aint to proud to clean up some oil are you? o btw I hope you choke on a crumpet

   says the last argument was his fault. She asked what was on the TV, he replied "dust".

   Last night I said to the wife let's get rated R. So I pulled down my pants and she cussed and punched me in the face.

   every time Sarah Palin speaks, a moose dies...

   Don't worry... I'm a doctor on the Internet.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that.

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   Times Like These Were made for Nudity.

   5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

   When are the makers of Captain Crunch going to get honest and rename it Tasty Jagged Mouth Gravel...painful but tasty...

   getting ready for May 21st (this Friday) which is Talk Like Yoda Day...practicing we should be, hmm?

   I had a hard time believing a movie called Furry Vegeance was a family movie...I thought it was a movie about a woman scorned.....boy was I wrong!

   I don't know what's worse. The fact that there are so many ugly women who walk around like they're all that or the fact that none of them are desperate enough to talk to me.

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   spending time entertaining facebookians by writing funny status's instead of doing work

   hey Justin Bieber, remember Hanson?

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   Can I see my dream in 3D shades?

   I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.