Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

   They wouldn't have to ban texting while driving if they would just legalize driving through red lights...

   I'll tell ya, there's nothing better than a cold beer(s) after a long hard day of laying on the couch...

   The worst thing you can say to a man is "Are you in yet.."

   Facebook message inbox:"Wwo! Is htat raelly you in htis ivdeo?".... Yeah, that link looks safe, it was obviously sent by one of my dear friends, let me click it and check it out, no way it's a spamming virus...... Idiots.

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   A man buys his wife a car and she says "Can't you get me something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds?" He brought her the bathroom scale.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   I've gone to bed like 6 times tonight and I've ended up on Facebook every time.

   If your paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!

   : If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other!

   BP Is Doing All They Can To Clean Up The Oil Spill They Are Even Offering The Cuban Refugees absorbant Oil Clean-Up Suits As They Get Ready To Swim Over. Thanx BP!!

   bye bye weekend! it was fun being with you! cant wait to see you next week!

   I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

   I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

   Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday

   ------------is clearly convinced life is practically all about reading ------------------

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.