Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody called me a metrosexual today. What is that like a local term or something? Anyway I'm sitting there getting a pedicure reading Vogue..

   Who here thinks Kesha's your love is my drug the starting beat of it is like love game by Lady gaga

   Remember a diamond was merely a lump a coal that did well under pressure..

   taking a mental vacation...Her body is here but her mind is gone somewhere tropical with lots of water, sunshine and a cold drink.

   "You can lie to me but, Dont lie to Yourself"

   Making fun of Courtney Love is like shooting Heroin in a barrel.

   A man goes into a library and ask for a book on suicide....The librarian replies "F*ck off! you wont bring it back!"

   regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

   Facebook is changing their privacy settings again. As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep up behind you & give you an atomic wedgie. To change this option, go to Settings > Personal Settings > Sneaky Settings> Wedgie Settings & uncheck the Shenaniga

   I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time.

   come to realize that housework is a lot like shoveling the driveway while it's still snowing, come back 10 minutes later and it looks like you never did it....LOL

   saw a commercial for the United In Rock Tour (Styx, Foreigner, Kansas) and I thought to myself "I hope they don't play in Arizona...because Foreigner would be screwed."

   My maths teacher asked me what comes after 69? Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer,

     It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   you may be an engineer if you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

   My Bathroom scale just did 0 to 235 in 3 seconds, who needs a sports car? Wow thats fast........

   my wife hates fish especially the smell, so I took it upon myself to fry up 3 lbs of salmon 30 minutes before she comes home...

   getting outta the shower on a cold day only to realize there isnt a towel in sight... priceless... guess i'll just use my dirty t-shirt..

   I got water trapped in my ears after taking a shower.. It was a near deaf experience