Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

   Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

   The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.

   Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

   Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

   casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no

   museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

   We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.

   Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.

   You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

   Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

   This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.