Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear BP CEO: You can have your life back as soon as you fix that pipe.

   All the problems in out country right now and our President is playing more golf than Tiger Woods!!! FML.

   U can close ur eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close ur heart to the things you don't want to feel

   Life Is A Great Learning Book But Without CONTENTS !

   Since July 2008, three of the four Golden Girls have died. That leaves only one: Betty White -beloved entertainer or calculated killer?

   Thinks it is amazing how a spider the size of my thumbnail can make a woman move faster then Bruce Lee on steroids and scream louder then a horror flick chick.....

   4 truths of life: 1) You can't touch all of your teeth with your tongue. 2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it. 3) The first truth is a lie. 4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.

   Drop a nuke on the oil spill...just worry about the excuse we'll need after they overshoot the target and bomb Mexico instead.

   Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in the July issue...Michelle Obama got offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic.

   wondering if fix a flat will bring my blow up doll back to life?

   Now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

   i guess Farmville is cool, if your into doing thing with the animals

   You know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

   Wonders if there is a cure for "dumbassness" if so, I know a few people who need a dose.

   First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

   trying to decide if I has an attitude problem today, or not.

   Used to have a life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   The weather in New York is partly cloudy and warm...just like A-Rods urine sample