Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't believe he's not butter!

   doesn't want to brag or make anybody jealous . . . but she can still fit into the earrings she wore in high school!!

   BREAKING NEWS: BP Tries Adding Balsamic Vinegar to Oil

   “Whoever said Money can't buy happiness, They just didn't know where to go Shopping.”

   "Weebonics"- The adorable chatter of a toddler.

   Ok so everyone was bustin' Bush for hurricane Katrina in new orleans .... now where the hell is obama when we're having the biggest natural disaster in history .... its been 6 weeks, wtf is he doin besides watching the playoffs

   I Love You like HELL!!! Its just that I don't want to DIE ;)

   I met a woman last night who said she would take me to heaven for $50. Damn these religious fanatics and their annoying fund-raising scams

   Going to MacDonalds for a Salad is like going to a crack house for vitamins

   These high gas prices sure have made it hard to land on the dollar when filling up.

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying.

   iF YoU tyPE LiKE ThiS, YoU'rE prOBAblY tOo YoUNG To bE oN fACebOoK.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   enjoying a stiff one. A stiff drink, you dirty-minded people!

   used to sing like Justin Bieber...then I turned 4!!

   - I've just written a song about a Tortilla......Well I guess it's more of a Wrap....

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.