Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

   You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

   Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family

   [Alien vs Predator] Alien: I can eat your face off Predator: I'm not allowed within 100 feet of a school

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

   ME: [holding door for wife] WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

   COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

   please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it's a round granola bar.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

   [dinner date] Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird. Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.

   You know you're a VW bus owner if you are serious about your, "Honk if Anything Falls Off" bumper sticker and know how it prevents Tailgators.