Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For the Mean girl who cut me off, gave me the finger & rolled down your window just to call me A-hole. Next time you should think before you act. You were pulling into your Driveway. Now you have Egg on your face & your car & your house. =)

   sorry I ignored your text yesterday, but did you really want me to reply to it with "I don't feel like texting you right now" anyway?

   hates when his hand falls asleep, it usually means it's going to be up all night

   If you can get one person to smile then your day was worth while.............

   why, hello there tequila and vodka....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like.....i believe you and liver have met??

   Oh, I believe ya.... but my tommy gun don't!

   just realized that it's actually called 'hang-gliding' and not 'hand-gliding'. Looks like I can put that one up on the self along with 'wheel-barrow' instead of 'wheel-barrel' and 'volley-ball' instead of 'balley-ball'

   Oveheard on the "short" bus.....If you're happy and you know it stomp your hands

   to drink or........... to drink there is no question.

   Am I the only 1 who cheers 4 the grape soda in the Kool-Aid commercials?

   packing for beach vacation - cross the oil off the list

   My wife just came in to tell me about something that happened at work today and I asked her to hold on for a second as I grabbed a can of listening juice...I might need two.

   - Rachael Ray and The Kardashians on the same TV show? Hotter when the "mute" button on your remote control works.

   Can Atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

   pondering why the kids can't give the silly rabbit just one bowl of trix, greedy little brats...

   I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, "yeah, sounds good. Let's do that."

   I'm on this insane diet. So far, I've lost my mind.

   Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.

   Probably the most awkward thing for Chinese parents is not explaining where babies come from, but rather, where they go.

   Why are they called "Starving Artists" instead of "Untalented Hippies"?