Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just a coincidence that batteries and bras come in the same sizes?

   Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

   Preserve nature....pickle a squirrel.

   Officially out of Liquor Stores within a 25km radius that don't Recognize me as soon as I walk in the door...

   I hate when people say "have a nice day." Like I'm gonna be in anguish later then think "Oh yeah, Truck Driver guy told me to have a nice day."

   If you think about it, "This was the greatest day of my life" is a very pessimistic statement.

   Bumper stickers I'd like to give out: I BRAKE FOR NO REASON / MY OTHER SIGNAL IS OFF / HONK IF YOU HATE WAITING AT GREEN LIGHTS

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   wondering WHY is everybook about vampires now. Pride and prejudce, alice in wonderland, ...why dont we just turn mickey mouse in to a vampire too? !!!

   Everything taste good and is easy to swallow with a little "hope and change" sprinkled on it.

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.

   it's funny that on the show unsolved mysterious women are never included

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   always tells people they'll miss me when I'm gone and they say, "How can we miss you if you won't leave!"

   - Almost 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer.

   I just don't understand England's performance. Surely John Terry hasn't had time to sleep with all their wives?

   3 Lions looking like 11 helpless kittens..... : /

   and (number) other friends doesn't need to change their profile pictures.

   You know it's awkward when your dad sends friend requests to all your friends.