Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

   June 23, 1860, The U.S. Secret Service was created to arrest counterfeiters. Now the Secret Service also protects the President... isn't this a conflict of interest?

   doing situps with a stomach virus isn't the smartest thing I have ever done! Time to call in CSI to get this mess cleaned up

   I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

   finally figured out what mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   remembers being a kid thinking "I wish dad would pull his pants down from below his shoulders." Now I wonder if my grandkids will be looking at my son thinking "I wish my dad would pull his pants off the ground."

   There is a very good chance that you don't understand probability.

   Actions speak louder than words. Especially if that action is yelling.

   I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.

   If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats? Shame.

   I'll bet the watch I left at home feels naked without me.

   Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.

   Try to keep your mind out of the gutter. Your body, too.

   Please note that The Netherlands, Never-Neverland, and The Netherworld are three different places.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   For sale: Mini large-screen TV. Save space! Only 27"! Also available: giant portable TV. A whopping 27"!

   Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.

   I think I am going to try the Pizza, Chicken Fingers and Little Debbie diet. That's all my daughter eats and not an ounce of fat on her.

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.