Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber's from Canada dumbass! Your play England

   You can lose alot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money!!

   yeah and you have justin bieber......... your play america

   Wants to find something else for my dryer to eat besides one of every sock.

   Everytime I watch the Movie "Free WIlly" I feel so badly about the hunting of these fish that I "Free" my own!

   watching his weight.... go up and up

   Some people want to do crazy things and green amphibians we just want to have good time! Some people go woo they go quack quack some people nothing and want nothing and arent free, some people want to burn the world with greed, we just want good time!

   hoping U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan is confirmed to the Supreme Court, so comedian Mike Myers can return to SNL to impersonate her.

   I never knew pain till I threw up those pretzels

   not stalkig you but thinks you look really nice in that shirt

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   Walmart smells like ugly

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   This day needs more yesterday...