Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been embraced by reality... does anyone know how to make it let go?

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   says Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   Dyson has a line of fans to add to their line of vacuums. Dysonnow proudly makes products that sucks and blows.

   Figuring out the three seashells thing is a very messy business...

   Don't call my name, Cilantro!

   Really really really wants to zigazig ha

   Pain is nature's way of saying "Don't do that." - Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "F*ck it ... go ahead"

   This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

   I think I've watched too many scary movies because every time I go to Chic-fil-a I find they are way too nice. I keep expecting their eyes to roll back in to their head while they are smiling and saying "its my pleasure to serve you."

   I was recently diagnosed with CDO. Its the same thing as OCD its just in alphabetical order, the way it should be!

   learnt a valuable lesson today about not putting "PUSH DOOR" stickers onto glass sliding doors, he would also like to wish a speedy recovery to Jill in HR, although the b*tch really did have it coming...

   I think all woman should come with a satisfaction guarantee label

   In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world weird... Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

   your hairstyle aint your lifestyle

   sometimes feels like I'm stuck at school in an episode of Peanuts where all I hear is "blah blah blah...blah blah...blah blah blah blah"

   pretty sure that if fortune telling was real every fortune in every fortune cookie would read "You are about to eat a stale cookie, boo-yah!"

   If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   If you suddenly find you cannot fix it, screw it up so nobody else can !