Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I finally figured out what the red and blue lights mean on an RCMP cruiser, so they know which side to get in on

   remember the police are sort of like dogs, they usually don't chase you unless you run.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.

   The A/C in my office isn't working and has now officially become an employee.

   Money....Here Today, Gone Today!!

   Yes, I'm coming to your party. Please introduce me to everyone before I get there, I don't want to have to explain my whole "deal."

   My apartment is where weird foreigners go to have a loud conversation right outside of...

   If ESPN had a cake show, they could call it "Laying Down a Bundt."

   's misery likes tequila, not company.

   You know you spend too much time on facebook when you start refering to people by their first, maiden, and last name!

   off to Mamby Pamby land for some self-confidence...

   Feminists. If you hate men so much, why are you always trying to be like us?

   named his dog Egypt cause he leave pyramids all around the house.

   wishes they all could be California girls.

   A "Sarah Palindrome" is a sentence that reads forwards, but sounds backwards.

   wishes Lebron went to The Mets.

   outside the bathroom you're an American. Inside the bathroom...European.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.