Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Cincinnati, a women gave birth to two 10-pound baby boys. The kids are named Strech and Mark.

   Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

   Knows that some people are like slinkies, there not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

   knows that arguing with you is like running a race in the Special Olympics, you might win but in the end your still a retard.

   Sorry, constantly quoting random bible scriptures isnt going to convince me. I could quote one the Twilight books and be just as profound. Twilight Eclipse, Chapter one verse three, "The."

   knows that hangovers are Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night.

   Many will come and go but I know the diffrence between a woman and a ho so if you text or call and you don't hear from me you know which one you must be:)

   wants you to know... Suck all you want, He will make more.

   once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

   Hopes he doesnt black out, cause this is awesome!

   got a phone call from the credit card company this morning, telling me that I have "outstanding payments". I said "Why, thank you very much!".

   ‎~ Lindsay Lohan staggered into court. The judge explained, "Ms Lohan, you've been brought here for drinking", to which Lindsay replied, "Great! When do we get started?!".

   keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   is kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   ~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for sniffing cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   A traveling medical marijuana clinic was forced to shut down. The driver kept stopping at every McDonalds.

   doesnt get drunk, he gets awesome

   If I was a college professor, I would give bad grades to the girls I wanted to screw. I'm sure 90% of them would prostitute in exchange for an "A"

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"