Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering,have your wife hold the nails.

   Never entrust your life to a surgeon who has more than two band -aids on his fingers

   Happy Independence Day to all Indians out here...Married Men may ignore this message :-)

   I was a little disappointed in my morning.. the crayon said peach.. but it sure didn't taste like peach!

   Realized there is a fine line between a true friend and a fake, two faced back stabber who cares only about his/her self.

   Friends who befriend me can't be a friend in the first place now can they.

   Firefights recently rescued 2 men from an industrial clothes dryer. The men were listed in stable condition but missing one sock.

   wants to be in a relationship with Captain Morgan and live on Parrot Bay

   A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!"

   Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.

   thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!

   "Real men actually spend time away from their computers." Yeah... that's because they're avoiding you.

   dear local weatherman if its 92° and feels like 102° then guess what dumbass? its 102°

   Saw some guy walking in the field behind the house last night wearing an old hockey mask and carrying a machete. He wandered into the woods. Hope he found his way home. Poor fella.

   BREAKING NEWS: Myspace is dead!

   I am used but in good condition

   Facebook your always asking whats on my mind...But what I really want to know is whats on your mind?

   all these pokes I'm getting am I supposed to sound like the pillsbury doughboy

   Happy+Friday=much fun......

   This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!