Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i am a member of the C.S.I cant stand idiots

   People always mean 50% of what they say when they are joking. "You are 200% idiot!" Don't get angry, I was joking!

   A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells: "Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!"

   The best feeling i've ever had is making someone laugh after crying

   If you love someone, then you have to let them go. If they come back, then they're meant for you, but if they don't, then you stalk them

   A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.

   In the rest of World When The boy meets the father its a Nice warm Welcome. In the south, The dad comes out with a gun and says boy you better treat my daughter right.(:

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......

   You're dating my ex? I ate a sandwich earlier, you want those leftovers too?

   ‎5 Words for us MAN to live by, "NEVER MAKE A WOMAN ANGRY."

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   meteor showering with Axe shower gel.

   Your follicles are ugly! Your roots are a joke! I have seen better parts in a mechanic shop!!...Oops sorry, I was teasing my hair.

   Wal-mart employee-"can I help you"? Me-"do you have anything i'd like". Employee-"how would I know what you'd like"? Me-"you started this".

   Archaeologists have discoved the site of Britain's oldest house. It is also believed to be the house in which the Stones first got togather.

   going downhill from now on! HEY. that's the way I roll....

   Tiger Woods' golf game, marriage crumbles. I guess going from 120 holes down to 18 has been too hard an adjustment for him!

   the leader of the show, make the ladies say "Oh!"

   officially resigning from adulthood!!! ...if you want to discuss this further you'll have to catch me first, cos... "Tag! You're it."

   Watching tear jerker movies and eating big bowls of ice cream .. anybody got a Tampax ?