Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.

   being investigated by Nancy Pelosi.

   does anyone still miss the old facebook?.. yeah that's what I thought, sell-outs."

   Did my good deed for the day. Rescued a poor little beer from the fridge.....It's name was miller lite and it was a cool little dude.

   Hey ESPN,this is not MTV...How about showing some scores and highlights and keeping your opinions to yourself.enough with the drama.

   You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.

   I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

   Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.

   I love when doors automatically open for you, it makes me feel like I am a JeDi ;D

   my ex is a nob...he wears womens pants....he looks like Peter Griffin and his new girlfriend is council estate trash!....well it makes me laugh anyway!

   Old McDonald was dyslexic, o.i.e.i.e

   My wife said I was gaining weight....I said " Duhhhh ! " ..... I used to be 8lbs, 6 ozs

   not here for your sexual fantasies

   An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there."

   I may not know karate but I do know crazy.

   Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.

   Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   I got so drunk last night I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.