Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I meet someone when I'm out and then friend them on Facebook, I'm always surprised that we have no mutual friends. Where did you come from, strange person? How do you know 600 people that I've never met? How is that possible?

   Sometimes I'll find out the actual lyrics to a song and then be sad I looked it up because I like my version better.

   Even though I can drive a car, there is still something that makes driving a golf cart so awesome.

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to say ‘make love' without using a funny voice. I usually go with the deep, Spanish accent.

   I'm not quite sure why online chat services decided it would be a good idea to tell you when the other person is typing. Most of the time I'm just anxiously thinking, "Why is it taking you so long to write one f*cking sentence!?"

   My buddy introduced me to the girl he's been dating for two weeks and referred to her as "the love of my life." Now I'm struggling to figure out why we were ever friends in the first place.

   I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.

   One of the biggest benchmarks of true adulthood is when you come to the realization that all teenagers are douche bags.

   Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.

   Nothing freaks me out more than touching a surface that was unexpectedly wet with some unknown liquid.

   the guy changing my oil this morning said he had earrings just like mine. LOL

   "Vegeterian" is American Indian for 'Bad Hunter'

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   I love the way you lie......................... on the floor after I smack you for being dumb! :p

   In soviet Russia, bacon loves you.

   For my visit to the bank tomorrow, I've packed lacy lingerie, chloroform and a chainsaw. One way or another, I'm getting that loan.

   guna name his daughter friday so I can take her to work with me on mondays and feel better about my day

   Just got freaky with a Mannequin hand and a electric razor taped to a golf club shaft.

   Just woke up, took the Lemon out of his mouth, removed the belt from around his neck and headed into work.

   Tell me... What came first the chicken or the salmonella?