Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   inbox(1).... awesome feeling

   Justin Bieber: What song should I cover? Random Girl: If I were a boy.

   just checked in @ none of your god damn business

   Lock up Paris Hilton in guantanamo bay. or would that be cruel and unsual punishment for the prisoners?

   itunes wants more updates on a daily bases than a woman wants attention

   Martin Luther King - I too had a dream. A great white shark came up through my floor boards to eat me and had train track braces on its teeth. Beat that Martin!

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.

   Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.

   Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?

   In honor of Michael Jackson's birthday, their family requests that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today.

   What is up with this Guiltless CheeseCake... How do we now what the CheeseCake is thinking?

   Fruit Cake is YUCK! But don't tell my grandma that!

   just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.

   That O-line gives up more sacks than Jenna Jameson takes in the chin.

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   Theres too much blood in my caffeine system!!

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.