Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got in a car accident while reading a sign telling me to keep my eyes on the road.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   Hey!!! It's a "pedestrian crosswalk" you douche, not a "leap in front of my car like a freaking maniac walk!"

   OMG, you just lied and your pants really are on fire.

   Should I pick you up for breakfast? or just roll over and kiss you good morning?

   wonders what the guy who found out what milk was, was doing to the cow.

   wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac

   thinking they need to rename 'Dancing with the Stars' to 'Dancing with the National Enquirer.'

   Did you ever actually think about what you did, while sitting in the corner as a kid? I was planning my revenge for the punishment!

   I would like to wish a happy Labor Day to all the mother out there.

   Labor Day was canceled because too many people couldn't remember what it was like to have a job :)

   I am strong coz I have been weak, I am beautiful coz I know my flaws, I am a lover coz I am a fighter, I am fearless coz I have been afraid. I am wise coz I have been foolish & I can laugh coz I have also known sadnes, I know my past yet I can c my future

   It's pretty hard not to scratch when you're playing pocket pool.

   you know your getting old when respond to you with, "Really! At your age?!?"

   Dear chicken, please cook yourself and jump into my mouth. thank you

   Some images contained herein may not be appropriate for all ages. Viewer discretion advised.

   Why did the pirate go to the Apple store?To buy an iPatch!

   wondering, where in the world is Carmen San Diego? I'm worried!

   was doing 75 MPH in his rented diesel Chevette when I was pulled over by a Chip. Was I speeding? I asked. Not really, I just wanted to know how you got it going that fast. FML