Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i am a leader not a follower so therefore I dont twitter.

   wants to buy skittles and randomly throw them at people yelling taste the rainbow.

   Master Hathaway please save me from the evil toad mistress "I could darling but your butt is far too large to fit into the space"

   when the only thing you have is a hammer every moron resembles a nail

   apparently I'm not wearing a sweater vest but rather a "quilted wife beater" priceless

   I didn't get a lot in class but I know it don't come in a shot glass

   Some of the ugliest faces in this world hide behind a 12 pack of beer

   I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "Dibs!"...

   I'm stripping for her via video chat, but the sound is turned off 'cause her students are taking a test.

   In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.

   It's a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers.

   A rattlesnake if cornered, will be so angry that it will bite itself. That is exactly what harboring hate/resentment against others is. We think we are harming others in holding these spites/hates but the deeper harm is to ourselves. ~ E, Stanley Jones

   I now feel old, realizing Nirvana's "Smells like teen spirit" was released 19 years ago.

   The existence of flamethrowers proves that someone once said, “I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough.”

   Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.

   If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

   We stand, we fall, we stand right back up and whoop a$$. Let the innocent souls be felt on this day.

   Today is the day we remember there is evil in the world......

   Holy Wars are just arguments about who has a better imaginary friend.

   9/11...i thought it was on the 9th of November....i'll never get used the US date thing!